wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize