3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
