...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
