where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
