Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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