Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im six kinds of drunk right now
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
