I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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