Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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