I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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