Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
