I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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