I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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