Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
