Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Randomize
