textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
