My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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