apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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