I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
