Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
