The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
