I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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