the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
