It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
