she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
