Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
