I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
