I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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