I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
