It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
