I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
