first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
