wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
