Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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