The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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