I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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