My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize