We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
