I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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