oh god the rape fog is back!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
