Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
