it hurts more in the daytime
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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