tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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