i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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