Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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