My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
