My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
