It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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