pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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