You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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