Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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