You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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