dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
