Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
