I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
